23.

I'm 23 and a mother of two. A boy age 2 (turning 3 in June) and a girl age 5 months oh yes and im a wife! but most important of all is that I'm still 23. I like to think of myself as a good mother and wife and overall good egg. I put everyone else first before me. My kids, my husband, the house work, the bills and my friends, then if there's time and any ounce of energy left I try to do something for me.

The reason why I am up blogging with a glass of wine: ME. I need to be more giving when it comes to myself. Even now that I wrote that sentence I feel guilty for writing it. Its not in my nature to think of myself. I feel that everything should be for everyone else making them happy and in turn it will make me happy seeing them happy. Blogging=Me time.

Today was going ok. Dinner was successful. Husband was content, and everything seemed to be going well. Then the children started to cry. Teddy was tired, you could practically see the word "SLEEP" in his eyes, but he was fighting it with all his might. He was annoyed at everything and everyone, nothing made him simmer down. This triggered his sister to cry and I don't blame her, his cries can be startling. The worst was yet to come, suddenly they're in this unspoken competition of who can annoy cry the loudest. For those of you with children you know what I'm talking about, for those of you without...wait and see.

I could see my husbands frustration build up by the look on his face, both of us were trying to keep our calm, because in the end they are just children being children. I took Teddy to the room...no deal. Husband stormed in with Bunny and we just didn't know what to do anymore. This whole time the kids had and were still crying. What do you do? What else could we do? After little smart ass remarks to each other out of frustration he went to bed and I stood up with both kids, both on my lap, both crying.

Somehow it all worked out because I'm sitting in the kitchen, while all three of my very precious loves are quietly asleep and I can hear my husband snore.

I'm 23. Sure no one told me to have kids so young. I could have been more careful. I could have finished college. I could have been 23. What do most 23 year olds do anyway? The ones I know of are out partying on Sundays trying to sober up before work, others are done with college and have no clue what to do.

I don't envy them. I may not have my hands pedicured, or my hair done. I may not have the freedom to leave and run errands on my own. I may emotionally eat from time to time and bake to relieve anxiety and stress(it could be worse) Things could be less complicated, but I have 3 reasons why I wouldn't change a thing in my life, and I'm about to go spoon one of them right now.

change is not my friend

So I wanted to do a million things at once and I really thought I could, but truth is I cant.


My holiday season was full of boxes and packing, moving trucks, and unpacking, trips to home depot, and painting, then some unpacking, then painting and painting!

I guess I wasn't prepared for all the change that was to happen when we agreed to move into a house. We made the plans, worked out the details in our head. Once it was said and done things didn't go as smooth. There is so much work involved when it comes to a home. As I type this I would say my house at the moment inside is about....65% done, outside...100% not done. There are so many things I want to do with this place but $ is limited as I am still unemployed. My dear husband works and works, and comes home and wifey wants to have him help do house stuff...poor husband.

This place was supposed to be the beginning of a whole new thing for me, but I'm having trouble keeping the place going and making time for this new "me" its completely frustrating. Ive had many breakdowns, being an unemployed(Ive always had a job since i turned 16, having no job is all very new to me) mother of two and a wife, friend, sister, daughter...has me drained. Its begun to take a toll on my kids...Teddy picks up his irritability from me, when I am tense we both have a bad day and end up in bed crying together.

I am grateful for my husband who has been able to keep picking me up every time I break down, I am grateful for my friends who hear me out on iChat in the middle of the night,
I am grateful for my baby daddy who indeed knows how to bullshit and keep my mind from exploding at times.
I am grateful for my tweeps ( I hate that term but that's what you are) my twitter friends that I haven't met...yet!

I am grateful for the chaos that is my life and all of you in it.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog entry, and that's ok. I just needed to vent a little to all of my two blog readers.

Its late and I'm rambling, no point in site, I hate to end on this note, but my mind is a buzzing with a whole lot of non sense and I wouldn't want to put you through it. A glass of wine and then sleep.