Dishes in the Freezer

Its seems to me that I write my blog entries when I'm at some kind of breaking point. I've been thinking about getting back on some meds... My anxiety and panic attracts seem to be getting worse, my sleep is hardly sleep. I cant help but be apprehensive about the medication though...there's SO much to gain and some parts of me that I might lose...or at least drown in the blissful carefree fog of treatment.

How do I feel right now? Smiles and sunshine MOST days. On average now I'd say I have about one REALLY bad day a week. By bad I don't necessarily mean rivers of tears and sorrow, Morrisey in the background (I actually like Morrisey) getting ready to slice my wrist kind of sad...Actually not really all that sad but I cant rule it out either. By bad day I mean I can barely function, the words that come out of my mouth are scrambled. I cant remember the last sentence my kids, husband, friends and family JUST said. I'm there, but not there. I put wedding rings away with spoons, and dirty clothes in the trash. Bunny's diapers in a closet...that sort of thing. Funny yes, sometimes. Not great when this kind of funk strikes me at work or while driving. I'm useless!



My mind is always running, never slowing down, always have something to do. Gotta do the house work, dishes, trash, dinner, dishes, baby back packs, laundry, folding, watering the garden, bills, work, baking, lunch, twitter, facebook,email, F5, F5, F5 go go go go go! Its a broken record over and over and over in my head. Each time it plays again it gets aggravating, annoying, I tense up, and I just want to make it stop. When I actually stop. I feel weird and it isn't long before I'm back up again doing something. I sleep 4hours on average, 5 when Daniel helps me...I constantly wake up during the night thinking I forgot to set the alarm. Here I am..."relaxing" while I blog about how I can't relax or slow down. Rush rush rush, always rushing and nowhere to rush to.


Yesterday, I just couldn't function. I don't even know how I made the drive home from work. I don't usually nap, but this particular day. I had to. After I woke up I started going again, cleaning, putting things in order and baking away. I thought I would feel somewhat refreshed after my nap, but it was a no go. It was getting late and I was finishing up with my cupcakes when my husband calls my attention to the freezer and asks me to take a look. Apparently someone *cough* ME *cough* put a whole stack of clean dishes away in the freezer! oh man. We laughed and joked around...I'm sure he thought "oh silly wife of mine" but to be honest, it kinda scared me. I cant remember putting the dishes away. I thought about it really hard and I think I remember putting cups away, but that's about it.



Dishes, whatever. It was funny. My biggest fear is that I'll be in that funk around my children. I don't want to be that mom that left her kids in the car to bake. I always have to check my back seat when I get to work because I swear I forgot to drop my kids off at the babysitters.

Coffee? no thanks. Energy drinks? no thank you. Soda? no, I'm OK. Black tea? Yea, you seem to be the best alternative with out the nasty crash and burn at the end.

Ive changed my diet a lot! I mean. No more beer, no more wine, no more Doritos and bean dip at 10pm...all that garbage. No more... I drink occasionally, and its mostly my way of throwing a big fat wrench into that brain of mine to throw it off course. There's also the smoking. UGH. Yes, I smoke. Not a whole lot, but I do it. I'm shooting to be smoke free by the end of the year, but I have to take it slow. A recent stunt of stopping cold turkey landed me in a foul mood and rewarded me with a hefty amount of migraine headaches.

Why am I like this?! I hate always having to be on. I hate not being able to enjoy a movie (because of my anxiety/panic attacks I've yet to set foot in a movie theater in over 4 years... if not more) I want to so badly sit in my pj's eating a bowl of cereal. With a mess on the floor and dishes in the sink WITHOUT it driving me completely up the wall.

So much of that anxiety is part of me, I'm afraid of what I'll lose if I get treatment. That's all I've ever known. The times that I was on meds, I cant really remember much, but I wasn't annoyed and stressed and I do remember blowing up to a niiiice and chin faced 180lbs.

For now, I do my best to control it. I go day by day. I keep concentrated on the positive side of things and try my hardest to only focus on the good things about a person.

I'm not really sure what the whole point of this blog was, but I feel drained now. I'm going to go ahead and call this one ahead. This breaking point is brought to you today by: My son is turning 3, this Saturday June 27th, 2009.