Aniexty, you cant stop me! but you sure as hell slow me down.

So its been like forever since I've blogged. My life has been consumed by Twitter (follow me) I literally live on that thing. No Myspace, And I'm trying really hard to make Facebook a habit.

Lately I've been stuck in a funk. I cant seem to fully get out of it. The worse part is that I don't know why. I usually have an idea, but not this time. I don't have that energy that spunk 100% I had been sick for what seems like 2 weeks. Maybe that was it? I share Teddy 50/50 now with Jessie...maybe that's it? (although I still see him on his weeks..so maybe not)

Last night I experienced the worst anxiety attack yet. It lasted longer then I ever thought. 3hrs of HORROR! It all started with stupid little thoughts. I mean not all stupid. I mean, I get anxiety often, but little ones. When I get in the car to drive to work, when I'm on the freeway, when I'm driving next to a commercial truck, you know the big rigs, when I shower (I'm afraid of slipping and breaking something) when the kids play outside, When I have to take teddy and bunny out of the car, When the sink if full, When the trash is full, I think you get the point. I live with anxiety. ALL day, EVERY day.

Now, can I control it? No. Can I avoid it? No. I try. I try REALLY hard. My mother still claims its all in your head. She thinks is fake...even though she did land herself in the ER once, guess what was wrong with her? SHE WAS HAVING AN ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK! She swore she was having a heart attack and she was running out of breath.(see mom, it is scary!) I don't think ALL of it is in your head, but some.

I had been putting several things off in my mental to do list, because of that funk I've been in. Last night it all came crashing down. During dinner I started to feel it all rush through me. I told Daniel (my hubby) and then in a desperate attempt to avoid it... I thought to talk out my laundry list of tasks in attempt to "vent" and relieve some stress. Turns out that wasn't such a great idea. Doing it out loud where I could hear myself...ended up backfiring.

Chest pains started coming in really sharp, my chest tightened, breathing was harder, my arm started to go numb, and I had tingling all over. For the next three hours I just sat there. I couldn't do anything. Daniel seriously takes an award for being such a good husband, our youngest was having a fit, and he put her to bed, cleaned up, and tried to help me relax. I was in pain! (I even woke up the next day sore!)

You see what goes on in my head is like a broken record, repeating over and over all the things I MUST do. Everything needs to be in its place, whats that? Its 3 am why am I scrubbing the shower? Because I cant go to bed if its not clean! Its a sick and twisted thing.

On another note-semi related. Postpartum blues, fears, habits....has any one still have had trouble shaking them off? I mean does it really take 2 yrs + to shake off fears and angst you picked up while preggo with your babies.

Personally I still cant drive on the freeway alone. I cant eat Taco Bell, giving the kids a bath still freaks me out, escalators make me queasy...etc. Anyone else deal with this? If so TELL me so I wont feel like a NUT.


I'm ending this...with what I still struggle to deal with every single day and probably always will..my kids..growing up. I swear it was just yesterday I bought those PJ's for Teddy, now they fit Bunny.

Ahhh from 0 to 60 and loving it... mostly.

Its been a while, a long while. So much has happened in the past month! Its incredible how fast things happen. I want to write about everything that's been going on, but that's impossible.

First things first! Since my last entry, something amazing happened. If you know me and Teddy, you know we are both equally obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba, and that if you're walking by and I'm online I'm usually always on gabbafriends which is a really great and friendly site for all Yo Gabba Gabba fanatics. I was fortunate enough to be invited to the gabbafriend team. Yup. Needless to say I geeked out about it like crazy with Teddy in my living room. It was great, and has been great ever since. I feel really lucky to be part of it. (really lucky!)

So I've been doing that, my babies well... they're not babies. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with that fact actually. My Teddy Bear was a tiny little butter ball not long ago, and now he's a full grown toddler, with a full vocabulary that makes my mouth drop open in awe. I really don't know where he gets some of the things that come out of that tiny mouth of his. My baby Bunny, she's huge. She started to belly crawl not that long ago, now she does the full on fours crawl. I don't think I can communicate to anyone how bitter sweet it is to see my children grow up. I love that they are coming into their own. I hate that the baby I wake up to that day, will be gone the next morning, never to be seen again. The mornings I use to wake up to Teddy jumping in his crib chewing on the rail giggling to himself because he thought his feet were hilarious...GONE. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tearing up right now. I want my babies.

I guess I'm scared. When I was growing up I couldn't grow up fast enough to leave my home. My parents are cool I love them, BUT I just couldn't live with them. I left within a month of turning 18. I don't want my babies to leave me that way. I don't want them to feel the way I did about my parents. I know "don't do what your parents did!" I try really hard. I do however find myself doing some of the things they use to do. Why? I don't know any other way! I never had a trusting relationship with my dearest mom. I'm terrified of my daughter hating me, my mom always told us "just you wait! the way you treat me is the way your children will treat you! so keep piling up the shit! just you wait and see!" ....so back then of course I didn't care... (I use to say "geez! if we're treating you awful, what did you to my grandma to deserve it?" ) Still her words are marked in memory haunting me even...and I am terrified. Enough! This entry went in a completely different direction then I intended it to go.

Um... I started work again! Same place that laid me off, just part time. I wanted to get out of the house and talk to adults. Its nice. I will admit I was a little scared of how I was going to handle everything, but I have such great friends, that everything went well. I can still sleep in a little. Still get home to make dinner, put everyone to bed, and stay up till 2 or 3 working on gabba stuff with out worry about being tired the next day.

Life is good.


*sigh*

23.

I'm 23 and a mother of two. A boy age 2 (turning 3 in June) and a girl age 5 months oh yes and im a wife! but most important of all is that I'm still 23. I like to think of myself as a good mother and wife and overall good egg. I put everyone else first before me. My kids, my husband, the house work, the bills and my friends, then if there's time and any ounce of energy left I try to do something for me.

The reason why I am up blogging with a glass of wine: ME. I need to be more giving when it comes to myself. Even now that I wrote that sentence I feel guilty for writing it. Its not in my nature to think of myself. I feel that everything should be for everyone else making them happy and in turn it will make me happy seeing them happy. Blogging=Me time.

Today was going ok. Dinner was successful. Husband was content, and everything seemed to be going well. Then the children started to cry. Teddy was tired, you could practically see the word "SLEEP" in his eyes, but he was fighting it with all his might. He was annoyed at everything and everyone, nothing made him simmer down. This triggered his sister to cry and I don't blame her, his cries can be startling. The worst was yet to come, suddenly they're in this unspoken competition of who can annoy cry the loudest. For those of you with children you know what I'm talking about, for those of you without...wait and see.

I could see my husbands frustration build up by the look on his face, both of us were trying to keep our calm, because in the end they are just children being children. I took Teddy to the room...no deal. Husband stormed in with Bunny and we just didn't know what to do anymore. This whole time the kids had and were still crying. What do you do? What else could we do? After little smart ass remarks to each other out of frustration he went to bed and I stood up with both kids, both on my lap, both crying.

Somehow it all worked out because I'm sitting in the kitchen, while all three of my very precious loves are quietly asleep and I can hear my husband snore.

I'm 23. Sure no one told me to have kids so young. I could have been more careful. I could have finished college. I could have been 23. What do most 23 year olds do anyway? The ones I know of are out partying on Sundays trying to sober up before work, others are done with college and have no clue what to do.

I don't envy them. I may not have my hands pedicured, or my hair done. I may not have the freedom to leave and run errands on my own. I may emotionally eat from time to time and bake to relieve anxiety and stress(it could be worse) Things could be less complicated, but I have 3 reasons why I wouldn't change a thing in my life, and I'm about to go spoon one of them right now.