First things first! Since my last entry, something amazing happened. If you know me and Teddy, you know we are both equally obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba, and that if you're walking by and I'm online I'm usually always on gabbafriends which is a really great and friendly site for all Yo Gabba Gabba fanatics. I was fortunate enough to be invited to the gabbafriend team. Yup. Needless to say I geeked out about it like crazy with Teddy in my living room. It was great, and has been great ever since. I feel really lucky to be part of it. (really lucky!)
So I've been doing that, my babies well... they're not babies. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with that fact actually. My Teddy Bear was a tiny little butter ball not long ago, and now he's a full grown toddler, with a full vocabulary that makes my mouth drop open in awe. I really don't know where he gets some of the things that come out of that tiny mouth of his. My baby Bunny, she's huge. She started to belly crawl not that long ago, now she does the full on fours crawl. I don't think I can communicate to anyone how bitter sweet it is to see my children grow up. I love that they are coming into their own. I hate that the baby I wake up to that day, will be gone the next morning, never to be seen again. The mornings I use to wake up to Teddy jumping in his crib chewing on the rail giggling to himself because he thought his feet were hilarious...GONE. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tearing up right now. I want my babies.
I guess I'm scared. When I was growing up I couldn't grow up fast enough to leave my home. My parents are cool I love them, BUT I just couldn't live with them. I left within a month of turning 18. I don't want my babies to leave me that way. I don't want them to feel the way I did about my parents. I know "don't do what your parents did!" I try really hard. I do however find myself doing some of the things they use to do. Why? I don't know any other way! I never had a trusting relationship with my dearest mom. I'm terrified of my daughter hating me, my mom always told us "just you wait! the way you treat me is the way your children will treat you! so keep piling up the shit! just you wait and see!" ....so back then of course I didn't care... (I use to say "geez! if we're treating you awful, what did you to my grandma to deserve it?" ) Still her words are marked in memory haunting me even...and I am terrified. Enough! This entry went in a completely different direction then I intended it to go.
Um... I started work again! Same place that laid me off, just part time. I wanted to get out of the house and talk to adults. Its nice. I will admit I was a little scared of how I was going to handle everything, but I have such great friends, that everything went well. I can still sleep in a little. Still get home to make dinner, put everyone to bed, and stay up till 2 or 3 working on gabba stuff with out worry about being tired the next day.
Life is good.
*sigh*
