Aniexty, you cant stop me! but you sure as hell slow me down.

So its been like forever since I've blogged. My life has been consumed by Twitter (follow me) I literally live on that thing. No Myspace, And I'm trying really hard to make Facebook a habit.

Lately I've been stuck in a funk. I cant seem to fully get out of it. The worse part is that I don't know why. I usually have an idea, but not this time. I don't have that energy that spunk 100% I had been sick for what seems like 2 weeks. Maybe that was it? I share Teddy 50/50 now with Jessie...maybe that's it? (although I still see him on his weeks..so maybe not)

Last night I experienced the worst anxiety attack yet. It lasted longer then I ever thought. 3hrs of HORROR! It all started with stupid little thoughts. I mean not all stupid. I mean, I get anxiety often, but little ones. When I get in the car to drive to work, when I'm on the freeway, when I'm driving next to a commercial truck, you know the big rigs, when I shower (I'm afraid of slipping and breaking something) when the kids play outside, When I have to take teddy and bunny out of the car, When the sink if full, When the trash is full, I think you get the point. I live with anxiety. ALL day, EVERY day.

Now, can I control it? No. Can I avoid it? No. I try. I try REALLY hard. My mother still claims its all in your head. She thinks is fake...even though she did land herself in the ER once, guess what was wrong with her? SHE WAS HAVING AN ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK! She swore she was having a heart attack and she was running out of breath.(see mom, it is scary!) I don't think ALL of it is in your head, but some.

I had been putting several things off in my mental to do list, because of that funk I've been in. Last night it all came crashing down. During dinner I started to feel it all rush through me. I told Daniel (my hubby) and then in a desperate attempt to avoid it... I thought to talk out my laundry list of tasks in attempt to "vent" and relieve some stress. Turns out that wasn't such a great idea. Doing it out loud where I could hear myself...ended up backfiring.

Chest pains started coming in really sharp, my chest tightened, breathing was harder, my arm started to go numb, and I had tingling all over. For the next three hours I just sat there. I couldn't do anything. Daniel seriously takes an award for being such a good husband, our youngest was having a fit, and he put her to bed, cleaned up, and tried to help me relax. I was in pain! (I even woke up the next day sore!)

You see what goes on in my head is like a broken record, repeating over and over all the things I MUST do. Everything needs to be in its place, whats that? Its 3 am why am I scrubbing the shower? Because I cant go to bed if its not clean! Its a sick and twisted thing.

On another note-semi related. Postpartum blues, fears, habits....has any one still have had trouble shaking them off? I mean does it really take 2 yrs + to shake off fears and angst you picked up while preggo with your babies.

Personally I still cant drive on the freeway alone. I cant eat Taco Bell, giving the kids a bath still freaks me out, escalators make me queasy...etc. Anyone else deal with this? If so TELL me so I wont feel like a NUT.


I'm ending this...with what I still struggle to deal with every single day and probably always will..my kids..growing up. I swear it was just yesterday I bought those PJ's for Teddy, now they fit Bunny.