Update

Since my last post I've been trying to lose weight. How? Let me tell you. I have been waking up early and running* for 20-30 minutes. I have been working out on the Wii Fit as much as I could. I have two kids and a husband so with a few minutes here and there I've been able to average about an hour on the Wii Fit. I've been eating a less and snacks are no longer in my vocabulary. Its been hard. I even cut out most of my drinking.

Like any other person I wish that things were moving a little faster, but its not. Here are my results....

Starting Weight: 164.9 Current Weight:163

I wanted to measure, how many inches I've lost, but I think I'll do those every other week.

Its not all peachy and "yay! I'm doing great!", I've lost almost 2lbs in 10 days. I have a long way to go. I'm frustrated. I've already mentally quit a million times. My husband got really sick this past week and I kinda lost it. I didn't watch what I was eating and I didn't exercise the way I wanted to. I ate bagels past 6pm, I drank half a bottle of wine, I ATE FAST FOOD....twice! and on Sunday we had a rock band pizza get together. Every time I did something wrong I had already quit in my mind. I don't know why I correlate food with happiness, its just soo good! I love to bake! I really do, but I haven't been able to in my attempt to lose some weight, thus adding a bit more stress on my shoulders. I have this baking addiction, I get some kind of buzz/high off of baking. All my stress goes away once my kitchen smells ever so yummy, its almost like a euphoric feeling when I take a bite of the cake, cupcake, cookies or brownies I've made. *DROOL* Especially when they're fresh out of the oven. YUM! So you see...I could have done better.

Last night I was done! I QUIT! but I looked at my husband and got back on the weight loss machine... mentally. I'm 23 and obese according to my Wii. I don't want to be 30 and morbidly obese. I want my husband to look at me the way he did when we were both in shape. He still loves me I know... but I want to be a goddamn MILF. There I said it. I wanna be something close to one at the very minimum. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind me being 20lbs lighter. Right now I am far from it. I'm "cute" which in my mind is a nice way of saying "meh" when it comes to my appearance.


Anyone wanna join in on some kind of diet plan? running plan? anything with me?

FML.

I've been keeping tabs on blogger Giyen, reading her wieght loss goals and struggles. Which is part of the reason why I wanted to document mine, and I figured If I blogged about it I would be more likely to keep pushing towards my goal. I hadnt thought about measuring my body before i started to excersice... but better late then never! I measured yesterday....and I was kinda shocked.


I know I gained weight and I know my pant size consist of double digits, but I never knew how thick I really got until yesterday!


Chest:41
Waist:41.5! <---OMG/FML!
Hips:45<----I have plenty of junk in my trunk.
Thighs:26


Now I haven't done the pictures straight on and sideways...that I haven't had the courage to do. My measurements say it all I'm like a bruised and rotten upside down pear shape?

O-b-e-s-e aka ME

So I've come to a point in my life where I cant take it anymore. I have come to realize I'm a way I never thought I would be. There have been life changes that have put me in this place, but I used that as an excuse to take it a little further then I should have.

Recently my husband and I had a little get together at our new home. There was plenty of drinking, and then some more drinking. A comment was made by a friend that was...I wanna say inappropriate, but non the less TRUE. Let me tell you folks, the truth hurts. It was about my weight. I often joke about my weight and size, I'm the first to point out the obvious, but I've never had anyone beat me to it...until that night. I was unprepared, it was awkward and to top it off, it was in front of everyone.

I couldn't get over it. The whole night his words haunted me constantly repeating over and over in my head, in the morning a headache ensued as they echoed about in my brain. I didn't want to be naked, I didn't want my husband to look at me even, the reflection in the mirror terrified me. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Lets just say I had an awful day. Yes, it was mean, but it was true. I'm too young to be this big. I'm too young to be this lazy. Yes, Ive had two kids, my oldest will soon be 3, my youngest is soon to be 6 months. So whats been my excuse? The kids, I don't have time, I need to clean, I'm tired...etc. If i keep this up, things will only get worse. After my daughter I weighed 150-155. I've gained 5 pounds in 6 months.

I was happy being fat, but after that comment an old familiar feeling came about. I use to be skinny and depressed. I use to have an eating disorder, but I reasoned with myself. I was incredibly down, but hey! I was thin! That state of mind has come again, kinda. I cant look at food the way I did a week ago. "Mmmmm yum"-no more. When I see food all I see is fat, and I don't need it. Its disgusting now, things don't look yummy, they look terrifying. No, I don't plan to starve like I use to, no I don't plan to purge like I use to. Although it would be a lie if I said I didn't think about it after that night.
(This was me when I was "sick".)

I bought a Wii Fit, I felt happy. Its a new start. A new way of living, less snacking, less food binging, less drinking, less eating for the sake of eating. I know its going to be hard, but its my life we're talking about. I don't want to be like this anymore and I'm going to do it.

So far Ive done moderate exercise 3 days in a row. I have a plan, and I have some family support. I just want this ball to keep on rolling. I will update weekly on my status. Mostly for myself, but feel free to cheer me on as I'm sure I will need the support when I feel like quitting. If you see that I'm losing it, please don't let me stop, guide me back. I don't want to be stuck in this body anymore.


Right now: 164 lbs.

GOAL:130-140.

23.

I'm 23 and a mother of two. A boy age 2 (turning 3 in June) and a girl age 5 months oh yes and im a wife! but most important of all is that I'm still 23. I like to think of myself as a good mother and wife and overall good egg. I put everyone else first before me. My kids, my husband, the house work, the bills and my friends, then if there's time and any ounce of energy left I try to do something for me.

The reason why I am up blogging with a glass of wine: ME. I need to be more giving when it comes to myself. Even now that I wrote that sentence I feel guilty for writing it. Its not in my nature to think of myself. I feel that everything should be for everyone else making them happy and in turn it will make me happy seeing them happy. Blogging=Me time.

Today was going ok. Dinner was successful. Husband was content, and everything seemed to be going well. Then the children started to cry. Teddy was tired, you could practically see the word "SLEEP" in his eyes, but he was fighting it with all his might. He was annoyed at everything and everyone, nothing made him simmer down. This triggered his sister to cry and I don't blame her, his cries can be startling. The worst was yet to come, suddenly they're in this unspoken competition of who can annoy cry the loudest. For those of you with children you know what I'm talking about, for those of you without...wait and see.

I could see my husbands frustration build up by the look on his face, both of us were trying to keep our calm, because in the end they are just children being children. I took Teddy to the room...no deal. Husband stormed in with Bunny and we just didn't know what to do anymore. This whole time the kids had and were still crying. What do you do? What else could we do? After little smart ass remarks to each other out of frustration he went to bed and I stood up with both kids, both on my lap, both crying.

Somehow it all worked out because I'm sitting in the kitchen, while all three of my very precious loves are quietly asleep and I can hear my husband snore.

I'm 23. Sure no one told me to have kids so young. I could have been more careful. I could have finished college. I could have been 23. What do most 23 year olds do anyway? The ones I know of are out partying on Sundays trying to sober up before work, others are done with college and have no clue what to do.

I don't envy them. I may not have my hands pedicured, or my hair done. I may not have the freedom to leave and run errands on my own. I may emotionally eat from time to time and bake to relieve anxiety and stress(it could be worse) Things could be less complicated, but I have 3 reasons why I wouldn't change a thing in my life, and I'm about to go spoon one of them right now.

change is not my friend

So I wanted to do a million things at once and I really thought I could, but truth is I cant.


My holiday season was full of boxes and packing, moving trucks, and unpacking, trips to home depot, and painting, then some unpacking, then painting and painting!

I guess I wasn't prepared for all the change that was to happen when we agreed to move into a house. We made the plans, worked out the details in our head. Once it was said and done things didn't go as smooth. There is so much work involved when it comes to a home. As I type this I would say my house at the moment inside is about....65% done, outside...100% not done. There are so many things I want to do with this place but $ is limited as I am still unemployed. My dear husband works and works, and comes home and wifey wants to have him help do house stuff...poor husband.

This place was supposed to be the beginning of a whole new thing for me, but I'm having trouble keeping the place going and making time for this new "me" its completely frustrating. Ive had many breakdowns, being an unemployed(Ive always had a job since i turned 16, having no job is all very new to me) mother of two and a wife, friend, sister, daughter...has me drained. Its begun to take a toll on my kids...Teddy picks up his irritability from me, when I am tense we both have a bad day and end up in bed crying together.

I am grateful for my husband who has been able to keep picking me up every time I break down, I am grateful for my friends who hear me out on iChat in the middle of the night,
I am grateful for my baby daddy who indeed knows how to bullshit and keep my mind from exploding at times.
I am grateful for my tweeps ( I hate that term but that's what you are) my twitter friends that I haven't met...yet!

I am grateful for the chaos that is my life and all of you in it.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog entry, and that's ok. I just needed to vent a little to all of my two blog readers.

Its late and I'm rambling, no point in site, I hate to end on this note, but my mind is a buzzing with a whole lot of non sense and I wouldn't want to put you through it. A glass of wine and then sleep.