Dishes in the Freezer

Its seems to me that I write my blog entries when I'm at some kind of breaking point. I've been thinking about getting back on some meds... My anxiety and panic attracts seem to be getting worse, my sleep is hardly sleep. I cant help but be apprehensive about the medication though...there's SO much to gain and some parts of me that I might lose...or at least drown in the blissful carefree fog of treatment.

How do I feel right now? Smiles and sunshine MOST days. On average now I'd say I have about one REALLY bad day a week. By bad I don't necessarily mean rivers of tears and sorrow, Morrisey in the background (I actually like Morrisey) getting ready to slice my wrist kind of sad...Actually not really all that sad but I cant rule it out either. By bad day I mean I can barely function, the words that come out of my mouth are scrambled. I cant remember the last sentence my kids, husband, friends and family JUST said. I'm there, but not there. I put wedding rings away with spoons, and dirty clothes in the trash. Bunny's diapers in a closet...that sort of thing. Funny yes, sometimes. Not great when this kind of funk strikes me at work or while driving. I'm useless!



My mind is always running, never slowing down, always have something to do. Gotta do the house work, dishes, trash, dinner, dishes, baby back packs, laundry, folding, watering the garden, bills, work, baking, lunch, twitter, facebook,email, F5, F5, F5 go go go go go! Its a broken record over and over and over in my head. Each time it plays again it gets aggravating, annoying, I tense up, and I just want to make it stop. When I actually stop. I feel weird and it isn't long before I'm back up again doing something. I sleep 4hours on average, 5 when Daniel helps me...I constantly wake up during the night thinking I forgot to set the alarm. Here I am..."relaxing" while I blog about how I can't relax or slow down. Rush rush rush, always rushing and nowhere to rush to.


Yesterday, I just couldn't function. I don't even know how I made the drive home from work. I don't usually nap, but this particular day. I had to. After I woke up I started going again, cleaning, putting things in order and baking away. I thought I would feel somewhat refreshed after my nap, but it was a no go. It was getting late and I was finishing up with my cupcakes when my husband calls my attention to the freezer and asks me to take a look. Apparently someone *cough* ME *cough* put a whole stack of clean dishes away in the freezer! oh man. We laughed and joked around...I'm sure he thought "oh silly wife of mine" but to be honest, it kinda scared me. I cant remember putting the dishes away. I thought about it really hard and I think I remember putting cups away, but that's about it.



Dishes, whatever. It was funny. My biggest fear is that I'll be in that funk around my children. I don't want to be that mom that left her kids in the car to bake. I always have to check my back seat when I get to work because I swear I forgot to drop my kids off at the babysitters.

Coffee? no thanks. Energy drinks? no thank you. Soda? no, I'm OK. Black tea? Yea, you seem to be the best alternative with out the nasty crash and burn at the end.

Ive changed my diet a lot! I mean. No more beer, no more wine, no more Doritos and bean dip at 10pm...all that garbage. No more... I drink occasionally, and its mostly my way of throwing a big fat wrench into that brain of mine to throw it off course. There's also the smoking. UGH. Yes, I smoke. Not a whole lot, but I do it. I'm shooting to be smoke free by the end of the year, but I have to take it slow. A recent stunt of stopping cold turkey landed me in a foul mood and rewarded me with a hefty amount of migraine headaches.

Why am I like this?! I hate always having to be on. I hate not being able to enjoy a movie (because of my anxiety/panic attacks I've yet to set foot in a movie theater in over 4 years... if not more) I want to so badly sit in my pj's eating a bowl of cereal. With a mess on the floor and dishes in the sink WITHOUT it driving me completely up the wall.

So much of that anxiety is part of me, I'm afraid of what I'll lose if I get treatment. That's all I've ever known. The times that I was on meds, I cant really remember much, but I wasn't annoyed and stressed and I do remember blowing up to a niiiice and chin faced 180lbs.

For now, I do my best to control it. I go day by day. I keep concentrated on the positive side of things and try my hardest to only focus on the good things about a person.

I'm not really sure what the whole point of this blog was, but I feel drained now. I'm going to go ahead and call this one ahead. This breaking point is brought to you today by: My son is turning 3, this Saturday June 27th, 2009.

My love for the art of baking

As you can see, I love to bake. Yes, enough to get my own kitchen appliances permanently imprinted onto my skin. I really do love baking. I've always wanted a sleeve, and not long ago a light bulb went off in my head. Why not get the sleeve done, but have it be all bake related? That's genius right? I think so.

Jessie has a pretty sweet tattoo, and he recommended his tattoo artist to me. I made sure that my tattoo plans were ok with the hubby...I mean its only fair right? He was more then happy to approve.(Thats a good husband people!)

We made the appointment and 5 hours of being still I eneded up with what you see above. This is huge! I mean you guys know how bad my anxiety is...I sat there...still... calm... and I didnt freak out! well I lie, I did freak out but I hid it VERY well.

Not everyone will agree with what I did. I mean, I have an oven on my forarm, I can see how a stranger that doesnt know me would think.."what a crazy bitch!" "freak" "idiot" "youth" and I'll give that stranger that youth one...

I thought about it, do I really want to do this to my body? be marked for-ever? I know im gonna wrinkle, and they'll look like blobs, but did I want to get to my wrinkled state not doing things because of what other people may think? Holding back on something that would fulfill me and give me joy and confidence (because I feel pretty cool and nerdy, confidence boost 10pts!)

So I just said "f-it!" lets do this thing. Im happy. I've already gotten mixed reviews here and there. At work, some think its weird. Or I'll get that "it's interesting" look. Its ok. I like it. Actually... I LOVE it. Cant wait to get more work done. We're gonna make it rain cupcakes! yay! I'll keep you posted!


haha my mom saw it, she's said not one word to me. NOT ONE! which means, its ok. All my other ones she completely stop talking to me for weeks. This time she speaks to me but doesnt mention the tats, I think she's happy its not a snake or devil horns. Ahhh I love me some mom.

Teddy at Amoeba Music!

Teddy and I have been in love with Yo Gabba Gabba! for some time now, I saw him in diapers shake him bum to the beat of the music, the colorful images and characters just sucked him and I right in. We've been hooked ever since. I was searching long and hard for a place where I could find more info on Yo Gabba Gabba and nothing. All I found back in the day was the Kidrobot website that had all the toys (which we got) After having my daughter, all three of us spent a lot of time home while the husband worked. I loved being home, although not stepping outside the door for a week at a time was hard. The thing that made staying indoors bareable was Yo Gabba Gabba! we knew the songs, the episodes etc, it was a fun time.

I searched again in hopes of finding something else. I wanted to know more. To my luck GabbaFriends was that place. There I started to get involved posting in forums talking about the show, I was in heaven! I saw a picture of a small boy dressed at DJ Lance Rock and I was immediately inspired. My son would be thrilled to be DJ Lance for halloween. So I embarked on the task, read more about how I made Teddy's costume here

We were in luck! On November 1st, Yo Gabba Gabba! was going to be at Amoeba Music in Hollywood to promote their new DVD. It was a must! My husband was out of town on a business trip for a whole MONTH! I'm very fortunate to have great people in my life, they helped me tremendously through that time. I have the most perfect relationship with my Ex and his wife. Sometimes its so great it doesn't seem fair, I mean who can have their cake and eat it too? So Jessie (Teddy's daddy) and my best friend Vader joined in the adventure. It was amazing! Teddy had never been out like that before.

I took a million pictures! My husband had only heard and seen pictures of the show, but Amoeba put up this video with little snippets of the show, its such a great interview. I think you can see why we hold this show and its creators so dear to our heart. Yo Gabba Gabba! isn't just "another" kids show. Its made with love and the purpose of being able to share and enjoy something amazing along with your children.

When Yo Gabba Gabba! is on in our home, Teddy isn't just parked in front of the TV...alone. We all are! We dance and play and have a great time doing it.

Aniexty, you cant stop me! but you sure as hell slow me down.

So its been like forever since I've blogged. My life has been consumed by Twitter (follow me) I literally live on that thing. No Myspace, And I'm trying really hard to make Facebook a habit.

Lately I've been stuck in a funk. I cant seem to fully get out of it. The worse part is that I don't know why. I usually have an idea, but not this time. I don't have that energy that spunk 100% I had been sick for what seems like 2 weeks. Maybe that was it? I share Teddy 50/50 now with Jessie...maybe that's it? (although I still see him on his weeks..so maybe not)

Last night I experienced the worst anxiety attack yet. It lasted longer then I ever thought. 3hrs of HORROR! It all started with stupid little thoughts. I mean not all stupid. I mean, I get anxiety often, but little ones. When I get in the car to drive to work, when I'm on the freeway, when I'm driving next to a commercial truck, you know the big rigs, when I shower (I'm afraid of slipping and breaking something) when the kids play outside, When I have to take teddy and bunny out of the car, When the sink if full, When the trash is full, I think you get the point. I live with anxiety. ALL day, EVERY day.

Now, can I control it? No. Can I avoid it? No. I try. I try REALLY hard. My mother still claims its all in your head. She thinks is fake...even though she did land herself in the ER once, guess what was wrong with her? SHE WAS HAVING AN ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK! She swore she was having a heart attack and she was running out of breath.(see mom, it is scary!) I don't think ALL of it is in your head, but some.

I had been putting several things off in my mental to do list, because of that funk I've been in. Last night it all came crashing down. During dinner I started to feel it all rush through me. I told Daniel (my hubby) and then in a desperate attempt to avoid it... I thought to talk out my laundry list of tasks in attempt to "vent" and relieve some stress. Turns out that wasn't such a great idea. Doing it out loud where I could hear myself...ended up backfiring.

Chest pains started coming in really sharp, my chest tightened, breathing was harder, my arm started to go numb, and I had tingling all over. For the next three hours I just sat there. I couldn't do anything. Daniel seriously takes an award for being such a good husband, our youngest was having a fit, and he put her to bed, cleaned up, and tried to help me relax. I was in pain! (I even woke up the next day sore!)

You see what goes on in my head is like a broken record, repeating over and over all the things I MUST do. Everything needs to be in its place, whats that? Its 3 am why am I scrubbing the shower? Because I cant go to bed if its not clean! Its a sick and twisted thing.

On another note-semi related. Postpartum blues, fears, habits....has any one still have had trouble shaking them off? I mean does it really take 2 yrs + to shake off fears and angst you picked up while preggo with your babies.

Personally I still cant drive on the freeway alone. I cant eat Taco Bell, giving the kids a bath still freaks me out, escalators make me queasy...etc. Anyone else deal with this? If so TELL me so I wont feel like a NUT.


I'm ending this...with what I still struggle to deal with every single day and probably always will..my kids..growing up. I swear it was just yesterday I bought those PJ's for Teddy, now they fit Bunny.

And I thought I was losing it for a second

This is Mason. Adorable, cute, friendly, extremely cuddly. Yes all the good things in a dog Mason has.



My dear Mason is an indoor and outdoor dog. He has free range of anything..well except for the children's room. (since we welcomed him into our family, he's had a bad habit of dropping #2 on Teddy's play rug and peeing on his dancey dance mat) A huge NO NO!

We bought a gate to put in the doorway for when we leave the house and he stays home. So anyway everytime I leave the house to go to work I make sure he has food and water, make sure the gate is on, the bathroom door closed as well as my bedroom.

Today I walked in...and startled looked around for intruders. My bedroom door was wide open, clothes scattered. Bathroom door still locked but hallway closets open...and a distinct smell of poo lingered in the hall...yet no sign of his brown coil. ( I later found the damn thing under my office desk)HE HAS A DOGGY DOOR! I don't understand him when he goes in the house, its rare for him to do that, I think he gets mad at us and does it on purpose.

No intruders, no signs of forced entry...then who did this? My husband comes home sometimes midday during his lunch if he is near the area so I thought... oh maybe Daniel came home. When I asked, he let me know he hadn't.

Its unsettling to think someone has been in "your" space. It bugged me the rest of the evening. I was sitting on the couch when I hear something in the kitchen... scared I go and tiptoe towards it. I even started to think...ghosts????NAH! but it does cross your mind after a marathon of TAPS.

This is what I found.


I think I found who's been opening my door and closets. So much for putting up a gate... Im pretty sure he can jump over it.

Now I wonder..how does he open my door? How does he turn the knob and open the closet doors? Should I set up a web cam?

I really should blog a lot more...

So the title pretty much says it all. Its just really hard to find time to do stuff. Thats why I love Twitter, its quick and easy and you can do it on the go. tap tap tap, send. Micro-blogging was made for me. I have tons of useless pointless things Ive been meaning to blog about, but I haven't found the time.

Lets see, really quick, things i'd like to blog about/rant/vent:

south gate drivers, post partum fears I havent gotten rid of(wondering who else has them) work, gabbafriends.com and how awesome everything has been, kids, hubby, and my gassy dog. So you see my delema too much to type too little time!

My husband set up this blog for me and I never know who or when anyone leave me a comment, so I think I fixed it so im notified, dont worry im not a prune, im not censoring my coments I just want to know when someone actually comments on this here blog of mine.

So I got this..I've been tagged. Yay for new friends!


8 Things I am Looking Forward to:


1. The weekend
2. Green episode of Yo Gabba Gabba
3. Losing weight
4. Getting the ov glove
5. Buying a new comp charger
6. Yo Gabba Gabba @ UCLA
7. Getting a baking tacktoo sleve...when I have $
8. Some alone time with the hubby

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Met DJ Lance and Toodee @ Kidrobot
2. Worked
3. Ate a bagel
4. Fell asleep in the middle of a gabbafriend post
5. Cleaned up
6. Kicked Daniel in my sleep
7. Upset Jessie didnt bring over Teddy's hat
8. Missed out on Stephanies get together



8 Things I Wish I Could do:
1. Hang out with DJ Lance
2. Work at home
3. Have a closet full of paint and canvas
4. Make my flowers grow faster
5. Have alone time with Daniel
6. Meet Conan O'Brien
7. Sleep longer
8. Sit and watch a movie without having to clean first

8 Shows I Watch:
1. Yo Gabba Gabba
2. The Soup
3. Deadliest Catch
4. Oswald
5. The Girls Next Door
6. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
7. Wow Wow Wubbzy
8. TMZ

Um I think now I'm supposed to tag 8 people, but im not even sure that I have 8 followers...so if you read this.. consider yourself TAGED! hahaha!

April 3rd! Where are you gonna be?!

I know where you're gonna be! Parked in front of the tube at around 1:30pm (pst) watching the new episode premiere of Yo Gabba Gabba! FINALLY RIGHT? has it been that long? remember when the we had a whole week of new episodes in september? wow it really has been that long...SHEESH! That makes this episode to come even more exciting! I can hardly wait! I know Teddy is going to love it! He loves guitars! and to have Muno and Jack Black on playing?! he's gonna have himself a little toddler-joy-gasm! woo! you should totally watch!

Ahhh from 0 to 60 and loving it... mostly.

Its been a while, a long while. So much has happened in the past month! Its incredible how fast things happen. I want to write about everything that's been going on, but that's impossible.

First things first! Since my last entry, something amazing happened. If you know me and Teddy, you know we are both equally obsessed with Yo Gabba Gabba, and that if you're walking by and I'm online I'm usually always on gabbafriends which is a really great and friendly site for all Yo Gabba Gabba fanatics. I was fortunate enough to be invited to the gabbafriend team. Yup. Needless to say I geeked out about it like crazy with Teddy in my living room. It was great, and has been great ever since. I feel really lucky to be part of it. (really lucky!)

So I've been doing that, my babies well... they're not babies. I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with that fact actually. My Teddy Bear was a tiny little butter ball not long ago, and now he's a full grown toddler, with a full vocabulary that makes my mouth drop open in awe. I really don't know where he gets some of the things that come out of that tiny mouth of his. My baby Bunny, she's huge. She started to belly crawl not that long ago, now she does the full on fours crawl. I don't think I can communicate to anyone how bitter sweet it is to see my children grow up. I love that they are coming into their own. I hate that the baby I wake up to that day, will be gone the next morning, never to be seen again. The mornings I use to wake up to Teddy jumping in his crib chewing on the rail giggling to himself because he thought his feet were hilarious...GONE. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tearing up right now. I want my babies.

I guess I'm scared. When I was growing up I couldn't grow up fast enough to leave my home. My parents are cool I love them, BUT I just couldn't live with them. I left within a month of turning 18. I don't want my babies to leave me that way. I don't want them to feel the way I did about my parents. I know "don't do what your parents did!" I try really hard. I do however find myself doing some of the things they use to do. Why? I don't know any other way! I never had a trusting relationship with my dearest mom. I'm terrified of my daughter hating me, my mom always told us "just you wait! the way you treat me is the way your children will treat you! so keep piling up the shit! just you wait and see!" ....so back then of course I didn't care... (I use to say "geez! if we're treating you awful, what did you to my grandma to deserve it?" ) Still her words are marked in memory haunting me even...and I am terrified. Enough! This entry went in a completely different direction then I intended it to go.

Um... I started work again! Same place that laid me off, just part time. I wanted to get out of the house and talk to adults. Its nice. I will admit I was a little scared of how I was going to handle everything, but I have such great friends, that everything went well. I can still sleep in a little. Still get home to make dinner, put everyone to bed, and stay up till 2 or 3 working on gabba stuff with out worry about being tired the next day.

Life is good.


*sigh*

Meet Mason

Meet Mason, he is now part of my family. We've been wanting a dog, since forever. Now that we have a home, we can have a dog. He's only been here two days, and already I love him. He farts more then I'd like him to, he snores, and currently hes snuggled up doing both of those things by my lap as I type. Yes, the smell is terrible, and the snores? well they're cute as hell.

p.s. I love that he follows me around the house.

little by little...

It begins...



little...



by little...



she's starting to get bigger...



and I don't want to realize...



That one day she won't be mine anymore.

Thank GOD for Bakerella!

So I was blog lurking one night and I came across Bakerella. Thus beginning my new obsession. Red velvet balls! For about 2 1/2 weeks I've been drooling late night at her pictures of endless oral godsends! Jesus F'ing Christ! (I don't say that often) I'm surprised my keyboard still works, because just looking at the genius tiny balls made my mouth into a river.

I finally was able to stock up on all the things I would need to make the red velvet heaven my mouth so desperately desired. Let me tell you. Oh-EM-Geee! They are delicious! Here is what I made!


The prep stage: The wine in the back isn't used in the baked goods, its so that I can have something to sip on while I wait.



Things got a tad bit messy, but most good things tend to get messy at some point right?



See no more mess!



This part was a tiny bit scary, I've never worked with candy melts, and chocolate. Guess what? I'm not scared anymore.



Bakerella has chocolate balls, and then she makes cupcake cake balls, same thing different shape. I wanted to try both. So I did.


Isn't that great?





My midnight snack...believe me its as good as it looks, if not better! The iphone camera doesn't do it justice.



It wasn't too hard, well worth the work. This bakerella is dangerous! I think this just opened a whole new world for me, so many possibilities!

My failure "update"

I have been delaying this post for some time in hopes that things would change and I wouldn't sound so negative when writing this out. Well it seems that delaying it didn't help. I haven't lost any weight. I haven't been dedicated to working out. Life has taken me once again away from my selfish course. <---see that's how I justify my lack of follow through I'm not sure why I've stopped. I have a million and one excuses, but are they reasonable? some....some are just a bunch of bullshit and I know it. Just for fun, here are a few: Superbowl BQQ, leftover meat from the BBQ (cant toss things out when $ is tight!...right?) by the way we had burgers and hot dogs for two days..AFTER the Superbowl and the BAKING! got a hold of me...(sings)oooh it really got a hooooold of meeeeee!!!!!! I'll get to the baking later though.

It had been two weeks going on 3-ish and I had lost 5 el-bees. It all went to the crapper over a weekend. I was terrified of getting back on the WiiFit, I didn't want to know how bad I had done over the course of just a few days. Eventually I mustered up the courage and stepped on, I knew what was coming my way I felt it and my pants did too. My body felt gross, it still does. It didn't help that my two year old has gotten so use to my weigh ins that he now knows how to say and when to say "That's obese!" *face palm*

I'm having a hell of a hard time getting that motivation back, I've gone back to my own post to see if I could find some inspiration-no deal. I'm lost again. Tried to ask the hubby for some motivation but the poor thing is so tired from work I could see my words go in his ear and out the other. I could have thrown a bitch fit but if I was at work 12 + hours a day installing in the hot sun and forgot my wallet at home so I couldn't get something to eat/drink, I'd be out of it too.

As I type this out its been almost a week without a single jog. I don't feel healthy, I feel lazy, and I think I'm expanding... sideways. AHH the story of my life! All I want to do is sleep....and BAKE. Holy Yummy cakes batman! I have come across a TON of baking blogs and I am ever so anxious to try out the recipes and make them my own! I want to make a heart shape cake box and red velvet balls, and cake-lolly pops! Check out what hasn't been helping me keep the pounds off! YUM but be warned! If you stare at them long enough you might just gain a pound!


Its only been a day or two and something really exciting has happened. I'll blog about that later! but its great! And wipe that drool off your face! aren't those red velvet balls amazing?

Update

Since my last post I've been trying to lose weight. How? Let me tell you. I have been waking up early and running* for 20-30 minutes. I have been working out on the Wii Fit as much as I could. I have two kids and a husband so with a few minutes here and there I've been able to average about an hour on the Wii Fit. I've been eating a less and snacks are no longer in my vocabulary. Its been hard. I even cut out most of my drinking.

Like any other person I wish that things were moving a little faster, but its not. Here are my results....

Starting Weight: 164.9 Current Weight:163

I wanted to measure, how many inches I've lost, but I think I'll do those every other week.

Its not all peachy and "yay! I'm doing great!", I've lost almost 2lbs in 10 days. I have a long way to go. I'm frustrated. I've already mentally quit a million times. My husband got really sick this past week and I kinda lost it. I didn't watch what I was eating and I didn't exercise the way I wanted to. I ate bagels past 6pm, I drank half a bottle of wine, I ATE FAST FOOD....twice! and on Sunday we had a rock band pizza get together. Every time I did something wrong I had already quit in my mind. I don't know why I correlate food with happiness, its just soo good! I love to bake! I really do, but I haven't been able to in my attempt to lose some weight, thus adding a bit more stress on my shoulders. I have this baking addiction, I get some kind of buzz/high off of baking. All my stress goes away once my kitchen smells ever so yummy, its almost like a euphoric feeling when I take a bite of the cake, cupcake, cookies or brownies I've made. *DROOL* Especially when they're fresh out of the oven. YUM! So you see...I could have done better.

Last night I was done! I QUIT! but I looked at my husband and got back on the weight loss machine... mentally. I'm 23 and obese according to my Wii. I don't want to be 30 and morbidly obese. I want my husband to look at me the way he did when we were both in shape. He still loves me I know... but I want to be a goddamn MILF. There I said it. I wanna be something close to one at the very minimum. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind me being 20lbs lighter. Right now I am far from it. I'm "cute" which in my mind is a nice way of saying "meh" when it comes to my appearance.


Anyone wanna join in on some kind of diet plan? running plan? anything with me?

FML.

I've been keeping tabs on blogger Giyen, reading her wieght loss goals and struggles. Which is part of the reason why I wanted to document mine, and I figured If I blogged about it I would be more likely to keep pushing towards my goal. I hadnt thought about measuring my body before i started to excersice... but better late then never! I measured yesterday....and I was kinda shocked.


I know I gained weight and I know my pant size consist of double digits, but I never knew how thick I really got until yesterday!


Chest:41
Waist:41.5! <---OMG/FML!
Hips:45<----I have plenty of junk in my trunk.
Thighs:26


Now I haven't done the pictures straight on and sideways...that I haven't had the courage to do. My measurements say it all I'm like a bruised and rotten upside down pear shape?

O-b-e-s-e aka ME

So I've come to a point in my life where I cant take it anymore. I have come to realize I'm a way I never thought I would be. There have been life changes that have put me in this place, but I used that as an excuse to take it a little further then I should have.

Recently my husband and I had a little get together at our new home. There was plenty of drinking, and then some more drinking. A comment was made by a friend that was...I wanna say inappropriate, but non the less TRUE. Let me tell you folks, the truth hurts. It was about my weight. I often joke about my weight and size, I'm the first to point out the obvious, but I've never had anyone beat me to it...until that night. I was unprepared, it was awkward and to top it off, it was in front of everyone.

I couldn't get over it. The whole night his words haunted me constantly repeating over and over in my head, in the morning a headache ensued as they echoed about in my brain. I didn't want to be naked, I didn't want my husband to look at me even, the reflection in the mirror terrified me. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Lets just say I had an awful day. Yes, it was mean, but it was true. I'm too young to be this big. I'm too young to be this lazy. Yes, Ive had two kids, my oldest will soon be 3, my youngest is soon to be 6 months. So whats been my excuse? The kids, I don't have time, I need to clean, I'm tired...etc. If i keep this up, things will only get worse. After my daughter I weighed 150-155. I've gained 5 pounds in 6 months.

I was happy being fat, but after that comment an old familiar feeling came about. I use to be skinny and depressed. I use to have an eating disorder, but I reasoned with myself. I was incredibly down, but hey! I was thin! That state of mind has come again, kinda. I cant look at food the way I did a week ago. "Mmmmm yum"-no more. When I see food all I see is fat, and I don't need it. Its disgusting now, things don't look yummy, they look terrifying. No, I don't plan to starve like I use to, no I don't plan to purge like I use to. Although it would be a lie if I said I didn't think about it after that night.
(This was me when I was "sick".)

I bought a Wii Fit, I felt happy. Its a new start. A new way of living, less snacking, less food binging, less drinking, less eating for the sake of eating. I know its going to be hard, but its my life we're talking about. I don't want to be like this anymore and I'm going to do it.

So far Ive done moderate exercise 3 days in a row. I have a plan, and I have some family support. I just want this ball to keep on rolling. I will update weekly on my status. Mostly for myself, but feel free to cheer me on as I'm sure I will need the support when I feel like quitting. If you see that I'm losing it, please don't let me stop, guide me back. I don't want to be stuck in this body anymore.


Right now: 164 lbs.

GOAL:130-140.

23.

I'm 23 and a mother of two. A boy age 2 (turning 3 in June) and a girl age 5 months oh yes and im a wife! but most important of all is that I'm still 23. I like to think of myself as a good mother and wife and overall good egg. I put everyone else first before me. My kids, my husband, the house work, the bills and my friends, then if there's time and any ounce of energy left I try to do something for me.

The reason why I am up blogging with a glass of wine: ME. I need to be more giving when it comes to myself. Even now that I wrote that sentence I feel guilty for writing it. Its not in my nature to think of myself. I feel that everything should be for everyone else making them happy and in turn it will make me happy seeing them happy. Blogging=Me time.

Today was going ok. Dinner was successful. Husband was content, and everything seemed to be going well. Then the children started to cry. Teddy was tired, you could practically see the word "SLEEP" in his eyes, but he was fighting it with all his might. He was annoyed at everything and everyone, nothing made him simmer down. This triggered his sister to cry and I don't blame her, his cries can be startling. The worst was yet to come, suddenly they're in this unspoken competition of who can annoy cry the loudest. For those of you with children you know what I'm talking about, for those of you without...wait and see.

I could see my husbands frustration build up by the look on his face, both of us were trying to keep our calm, because in the end they are just children being children. I took Teddy to the room...no deal. Husband stormed in with Bunny and we just didn't know what to do anymore. This whole time the kids had and were still crying. What do you do? What else could we do? After little smart ass remarks to each other out of frustration he went to bed and I stood up with both kids, both on my lap, both crying.

Somehow it all worked out because I'm sitting in the kitchen, while all three of my very precious loves are quietly asleep and I can hear my husband snore.

I'm 23. Sure no one told me to have kids so young. I could have been more careful. I could have finished college. I could have been 23. What do most 23 year olds do anyway? The ones I know of are out partying on Sundays trying to sober up before work, others are done with college and have no clue what to do.

I don't envy them. I may not have my hands pedicured, or my hair done. I may not have the freedom to leave and run errands on my own. I may emotionally eat from time to time and bake to relieve anxiety and stress(it could be worse) Things could be less complicated, but I have 3 reasons why I wouldn't change a thing in my life, and I'm about to go spoon one of them right now.

change is not my friend

So I wanted to do a million things at once and I really thought I could, but truth is I cant.


My holiday season was full of boxes and packing, moving trucks, and unpacking, trips to home depot, and painting, then some unpacking, then painting and painting!

I guess I wasn't prepared for all the change that was to happen when we agreed to move into a house. We made the plans, worked out the details in our head. Once it was said and done things didn't go as smooth. There is so much work involved when it comes to a home. As I type this I would say my house at the moment inside is about....65% done, outside...100% not done. There are so many things I want to do with this place but $ is limited as I am still unemployed. My dear husband works and works, and comes home and wifey wants to have him help do house stuff...poor husband.

This place was supposed to be the beginning of a whole new thing for me, but I'm having trouble keeping the place going and making time for this new "me" its completely frustrating. Ive had many breakdowns, being an unemployed(Ive always had a job since i turned 16, having no job is all very new to me) mother of two and a wife, friend, sister, daughter...has me drained. Its begun to take a toll on my kids...Teddy picks up his irritability from me, when I am tense we both have a bad day and end up in bed crying together.

I am grateful for my husband who has been able to keep picking me up every time I break down, I am grateful for my friends who hear me out on iChat in the middle of the night,
I am grateful for my baby daddy who indeed knows how to bullshit and keep my mind from exploding at times.
I am grateful for my tweeps ( I hate that term but that's what you are) my twitter friends that I haven't met...yet!

I am grateful for the chaos that is my life and all of you in it.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog entry, and that's ok. I just needed to vent a little to all of my two blog readers.

Its late and I'm rambling, no point in site, I hate to end on this note, but my mind is a buzzing with a whole lot of non sense and I wouldn't want to put you through it. A glass of wine and then sleep.