Dishes in the Freezer

Its seems to me that I write my blog entries when I'm at some kind of breaking point. I've been thinking about getting back on some meds... My anxiety and panic attracts seem to be getting worse, my sleep is hardly sleep. I cant help but be apprehensive about the medication though...there's SO much to gain and some parts of me that I might lose...or at least drown in the blissful carefree fog of treatment.

How do I feel right now? Smiles and sunshine MOST days. On average now I'd say I have about one REALLY bad day a week. By bad I don't necessarily mean rivers of tears and sorrow, Morrisey in the background (I actually like Morrisey) getting ready to slice my wrist kind of sad...Actually not really all that sad but I cant rule it out either. By bad day I mean I can barely function, the words that come out of my mouth are scrambled. I cant remember the last sentence my kids, husband, friends and family JUST said. I'm there, but not there. I put wedding rings away with spoons, and dirty clothes in the trash. Bunny's diapers in a closet...that sort of thing. Funny yes, sometimes. Not great when this kind of funk strikes me at work or while driving. I'm useless!



My mind is always running, never slowing down, always have something to do. Gotta do the house work, dishes, trash, dinner, dishes, baby back packs, laundry, folding, watering the garden, bills, work, baking, lunch, twitter, facebook,email, F5, F5, F5 go go go go go! Its a broken record over and over and over in my head. Each time it plays again it gets aggravating, annoying, I tense up, and I just want to make it stop. When I actually stop. I feel weird and it isn't long before I'm back up again doing something. I sleep 4hours on average, 5 when Daniel helps me...I constantly wake up during the night thinking I forgot to set the alarm. Here I am..."relaxing" while I blog about how I can't relax or slow down. Rush rush rush, always rushing and nowhere to rush to.


Yesterday, I just couldn't function. I don't even know how I made the drive home from work. I don't usually nap, but this particular day. I had to. After I woke up I started going again, cleaning, putting things in order and baking away. I thought I would feel somewhat refreshed after my nap, but it was a no go. It was getting late and I was finishing up with my cupcakes when my husband calls my attention to the freezer and asks me to take a look. Apparently someone *cough* ME *cough* put a whole stack of clean dishes away in the freezer! oh man. We laughed and joked around...I'm sure he thought "oh silly wife of mine" but to be honest, it kinda scared me. I cant remember putting the dishes away. I thought about it really hard and I think I remember putting cups away, but that's about it.



Dishes, whatever. It was funny. My biggest fear is that I'll be in that funk around my children. I don't want to be that mom that left her kids in the car to bake. I always have to check my back seat when I get to work because I swear I forgot to drop my kids off at the babysitters.

Coffee? no thanks. Energy drinks? no thank you. Soda? no, I'm OK. Black tea? Yea, you seem to be the best alternative with out the nasty crash and burn at the end.

Ive changed my diet a lot! I mean. No more beer, no more wine, no more Doritos and bean dip at 10pm...all that garbage. No more... I drink occasionally, and its mostly my way of throwing a big fat wrench into that brain of mine to throw it off course. There's also the smoking. UGH. Yes, I smoke. Not a whole lot, but I do it. I'm shooting to be smoke free by the end of the year, but I have to take it slow. A recent stunt of stopping cold turkey landed me in a foul mood and rewarded me with a hefty amount of migraine headaches.

Why am I like this?! I hate always having to be on. I hate not being able to enjoy a movie (because of my anxiety/panic attacks I've yet to set foot in a movie theater in over 4 years... if not more) I want to so badly sit in my pj's eating a bowl of cereal. With a mess on the floor and dishes in the sink WITHOUT it driving me completely up the wall.

So much of that anxiety is part of me, I'm afraid of what I'll lose if I get treatment. That's all I've ever known. The times that I was on meds, I cant really remember much, but I wasn't annoyed and stressed and I do remember blowing up to a niiiice and chin faced 180lbs.

For now, I do my best to control it. I go day by day. I keep concentrated on the positive side of things and try my hardest to only focus on the good things about a person.

I'm not really sure what the whole point of this blog was, but I feel drained now. I'm going to go ahead and call this one ahead. This breaking point is brought to you today by: My son is turning 3, this Saturday June 27th, 2009.

My love for the art of baking

As you can see, I love to bake. Yes, enough to get my own kitchen appliances permanently imprinted onto my skin. I really do love baking. I've always wanted a sleeve, and not long ago a light bulb went off in my head. Why not get the sleeve done, but have it be all bake related? That's genius right? I think so.

Jessie has a pretty sweet tattoo, and he recommended his tattoo artist to me. I made sure that my tattoo plans were ok with the hubby...I mean its only fair right? He was more then happy to approve.(Thats a good husband people!)

We made the appointment and 5 hours of being still I eneded up with what you see above. This is huge! I mean you guys know how bad my anxiety is...I sat there...still... calm... and I didnt freak out! well I lie, I did freak out but I hid it VERY well.

Not everyone will agree with what I did. I mean, I have an oven on my forarm, I can see how a stranger that doesnt know me would think.."what a crazy bitch!" "freak" "idiot" "youth" and I'll give that stranger that youth one...

I thought about it, do I really want to do this to my body? be marked for-ever? I know im gonna wrinkle, and they'll look like blobs, but did I want to get to my wrinkled state not doing things because of what other people may think? Holding back on something that would fulfill me and give me joy and confidence (because I feel pretty cool and nerdy, confidence boost 10pts!)

So I just said "f-it!" lets do this thing. Im happy. I've already gotten mixed reviews here and there. At work, some think its weird. Or I'll get that "it's interesting" look. Its ok. I like it. Actually... I LOVE it. Cant wait to get more work done. We're gonna make it rain cupcakes! yay! I'll keep you posted!


haha my mom saw it, she's said not one word to me. NOT ONE! which means, its ok. All my other ones she completely stop talking to me for weeks. This time she speaks to me but doesnt mention the tats, I think she's happy its not a snake or devil horns. Ahhh I love me some mom.

Teddy at Amoeba Music!

Teddy and I have been in love with Yo Gabba Gabba! for some time now, I saw him in diapers shake him bum to the beat of the music, the colorful images and characters just sucked him and I right in. We've been hooked ever since. I was searching long and hard for a place where I could find more info on Yo Gabba Gabba and nothing. All I found back in the day was the Kidrobot website that had all the toys (which we got) After having my daughter, all three of us spent a lot of time home while the husband worked. I loved being home, although not stepping outside the door for a week at a time was hard. The thing that made staying indoors bareable was Yo Gabba Gabba! we knew the songs, the episodes etc, it was a fun time.

I searched again in hopes of finding something else. I wanted to know more. To my luck GabbaFriends was that place. There I started to get involved posting in forums talking about the show, I was in heaven! I saw a picture of a small boy dressed at DJ Lance Rock and I was immediately inspired. My son would be thrilled to be DJ Lance for halloween. So I embarked on the task, read more about how I made Teddy's costume here

We were in luck! On November 1st, Yo Gabba Gabba! was going to be at Amoeba Music in Hollywood to promote their new DVD. It was a must! My husband was out of town on a business trip for a whole MONTH! I'm very fortunate to have great people in my life, they helped me tremendously through that time. I have the most perfect relationship with my Ex and his wife. Sometimes its so great it doesn't seem fair, I mean who can have their cake and eat it too? So Jessie (Teddy's daddy) and my best friend Vader joined in the adventure. It was amazing! Teddy had never been out like that before.

I took a million pictures! My husband had only heard and seen pictures of the show, but Amoeba put up this video with little snippets of the show, its such a great interview. I think you can see why we hold this show and its creators so dear to our heart. Yo Gabba Gabba! isn't just "another" kids show. Its made with love and the purpose of being able to share and enjoy something amazing along with your children.

When Yo Gabba Gabba! is on in our home, Teddy isn't just parked in front of the TV...alone. We all are! We dance and play and have a great time doing it.

Aniexty, you cant stop me! but you sure as hell slow me down.

So its been like forever since I've blogged. My life has been consumed by Twitter (follow me) I literally live on that thing. No Myspace, And I'm trying really hard to make Facebook a habit.

Lately I've been stuck in a funk. I cant seem to fully get out of it. The worse part is that I don't know why. I usually have an idea, but not this time. I don't have that energy that spunk 100% I had been sick for what seems like 2 weeks. Maybe that was it? I share Teddy 50/50 now with Jessie...maybe that's it? (although I still see him on his weeks..so maybe not)

Last night I experienced the worst anxiety attack yet. It lasted longer then I ever thought. 3hrs of HORROR! It all started with stupid little thoughts. I mean not all stupid. I mean, I get anxiety often, but little ones. When I get in the car to drive to work, when I'm on the freeway, when I'm driving next to a commercial truck, you know the big rigs, when I shower (I'm afraid of slipping and breaking something) when the kids play outside, When I have to take teddy and bunny out of the car, When the sink if full, When the trash is full, I think you get the point. I live with anxiety. ALL day, EVERY day.

Now, can I control it? No. Can I avoid it? No. I try. I try REALLY hard. My mother still claims its all in your head. She thinks is fake...even though she did land herself in the ER once, guess what was wrong with her? SHE WAS HAVING AN ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACK! She swore she was having a heart attack and she was running out of breath.(see mom, it is scary!) I don't think ALL of it is in your head, but some.

I had been putting several things off in my mental to do list, because of that funk I've been in. Last night it all came crashing down. During dinner I started to feel it all rush through me. I told Daniel (my hubby) and then in a desperate attempt to avoid it... I thought to talk out my laundry list of tasks in attempt to "vent" and relieve some stress. Turns out that wasn't such a great idea. Doing it out loud where I could hear myself...ended up backfiring.

Chest pains started coming in really sharp, my chest tightened, breathing was harder, my arm started to go numb, and I had tingling all over. For the next three hours I just sat there. I couldn't do anything. Daniel seriously takes an award for being such a good husband, our youngest was having a fit, and he put her to bed, cleaned up, and tried to help me relax. I was in pain! (I even woke up the next day sore!)

You see what goes on in my head is like a broken record, repeating over and over all the things I MUST do. Everything needs to be in its place, whats that? Its 3 am why am I scrubbing the shower? Because I cant go to bed if its not clean! Its a sick and twisted thing.

On another note-semi related. Postpartum blues, fears, habits....has any one still have had trouble shaking them off? I mean does it really take 2 yrs + to shake off fears and angst you picked up while preggo with your babies.

Personally I still cant drive on the freeway alone. I cant eat Taco Bell, giving the kids a bath still freaks me out, escalators make me queasy...etc. Anyone else deal with this? If so TELL me so I wont feel like a NUT.


I'm ending this...with what I still struggle to deal with every single day and probably always will..my kids..growing up. I swear it was just yesterday I bought those PJ's for Teddy, now they fit Bunny.

And I thought I was losing it for a second

This is Mason. Adorable, cute, friendly, extremely cuddly. Yes all the good things in a dog Mason has.



My dear Mason is an indoor and outdoor dog. He has free range of anything..well except for the children's room. (since we welcomed him into our family, he's had a bad habit of dropping #2 on Teddy's play rug and peeing on his dancey dance mat) A huge NO NO!

We bought a gate to put in the doorway for when we leave the house and he stays home. So anyway everytime I leave the house to go to work I make sure he has food and water, make sure the gate is on, the bathroom door closed as well as my bedroom.

Today I walked in...and startled looked around for intruders. My bedroom door was wide open, clothes scattered. Bathroom door still locked but hallway closets open...and a distinct smell of poo lingered in the hall...yet no sign of his brown coil. ( I later found the damn thing under my office desk)HE HAS A DOGGY DOOR! I don't understand him when he goes in the house, its rare for him to do that, I think he gets mad at us and does it on purpose.

No intruders, no signs of forced entry...then who did this? My husband comes home sometimes midday during his lunch if he is near the area so I thought... oh maybe Daniel came home. When I asked, he let me know he hadn't.

Its unsettling to think someone has been in "your" space. It bugged me the rest of the evening. I was sitting on the couch when I hear something in the kitchen... scared I go and tiptoe towards it. I even started to think...ghosts????NAH! but it does cross your mind after a marathon of TAPS.

This is what I found.


I think I found who's been opening my door and closets. So much for putting up a gate... Im pretty sure he can jump over it.

Now I wonder..how does he open my door? How does he turn the knob and open the closet doors? Should I set up a web cam?